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Shortly before the publication of my alien book I contacted Richard Belzer and his agent through a mutual connection. I had always enjoyed The X-Files, and toyed with the idea of how Mulder and Scully would react to a comic who made fun of alien abductees and all things paranormal.
The result was the following script, written with Belzer in mind.
Through one of Belzer's relatives I learned of his deep admiration for the TV series and his desire to appear on the show. His agent relayed how much Richard liked the script. But after it was sent to the producers they decided to have him reprise his role as the wise-cracking Detective John Munch, and not my original character of the wise-cracking comic who turns amorous towards Scully and then... well, read for yourself, in:
THE NEW AGE COMIC
"Follow MY bliss, pal!"
PROLOGUE:
INT. NEW YORK COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
An MC is on stage; the mood of the audience is good. Even SCULLY and MULDER, seated up front, seem to be enjoying themselves.
MC ...he's traveled far and wide to be here with us tonight -- from Stonehenge to Stony Hendersons just down the street. And folks, don't visit Stony, he waters his drinks. Please welcome, the New Age Comic!
The New Age Comic (JESSE JACOBS) makes his way from the audience to the stage, passing Mulder who looks a little dubious. Jacobs takes the stage with a cocky assurance that's either a mask or a shield.
JACOBS Thank you, thank you... I'm not really the "New Age" comic, I just channel him while he's on tour. Actually, he was abducted by aliens, and couldn't get out of their management contract.
Scully, sensing Mulder's growing restlessness, tries to stifle a laugh.
JACOBS How many abductees does it take to screw in a light bulb?... (cueing audience) Come on...
AUDIENCE How many?
JACOBS Three: two to screw it in, and one to breed with the aliens while the other two are distracted.
LAUGHTER, except for Mulder, who's bearing it nobly. The audience's laughter, meanwhile, keeps getting bigger.
JACOBS You know what I hate about alien abductions? Not the physical fear, not the painful and bizarre medical experiments, not the lingering scars and lasting shame... no, I hate it that they never call you again in the morning. This girl I know, for example, she's been abducted four maybe five times. Then (snaps fingers) like that they stopped. They even told her. "We have finished with you now, thank you, you must go." The kind of thing I used to say before I became enlightened. (fake cough) Anyway, this chick actually misses them. Kind of like the Stockholm Syndrome where you identify with your captors -- which is why she now wears clown-white makeup and snacks on insects. Anyway, she misses them and wants to see them again, so I told her, "Place an ad in the personals. Something like: 'Fertile earth woman in search of one who is small, powerful, dominant, and likes to love 'em and leave 'em.'" Come to think of it, screw the ad -- any bar in Queens will do!"
Mulder has had it. He calmly walks away from the table and towards the back exit. Jacobs takes it personally.
JACOBS That's right, pal, if you can't stand the heat get the hell out of the toxic waste dump!
Mulder keeps moving, and exits the door.
JACOBS Hey, Pal! Hey, Pal! Follow my bliss, pal!!!
Scully stands up and quickly follows.
JACOBS Let him go! Abduct him if he can't take a joke!
EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
SCULLY catches up to MULDER who is getting in his car.
SCULLY That's kind of rude, don't you think?
MULDER Yeah, but I'll forgive him.
SCULLY (smiles in spite of her pique) It's only your first night off assign- ment. Is there any chance of enjoying your remaining time in the Big Apple during our layover?
MULDER I don't know. Are there any good restaurants here, or does everyone have bad taste?
SCULLY (not smiling) I guess you'll have to find out by yourself.
INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY - NIGHT
JACOBS is driving a beat-up sedan, his WIFE seated beside him.
JACOBS ...murdered 'em, I tell you. Letterman, here we come! Check your purse for bail money, baby, we're on the road, now!
His Wife smiles sleepily, leans her head on his shoulder.
EXT. HIGHWAY
The car begins to round a curve when its engine -- and battery -- dies.
INT. CAR
JACOBS What the...!
He struggles with the ignition, but no luck. His Wife has fallen asleep on his shoulder. Jacobs carefully leans her back on the seat. As he begins to exit, a BLINDING WHITE LIGHT shines into the car. Jacobs is stunned by it.
EXT. HIGHWAY
Seemingly hypnotized, JACOBS gets out of the car and walks directly toward the light -- off the road and across a FIELD.
As he walks further into the field the light seems to circle around, and shine from down the road. The sound of an oncoming TRUCK is heard as it approaches the blind corner.
INT. CAR
Jacobs' WIFE is still sleeping soundly. The truck sound is growing louder. The light from down the road becomes the truck's headlights as it rounds the corner and--
INT. CAB OF TRUCK
The DRIVER slams on his brakes, screaming, when a BLINDING WHITE LIGHT illuminates the entire cab, as the Driver vanishes -- literally.
A HUGE METAL-SCRAPING CRASH!!!
TITLE SEQUENCE
ACT ONE:
EXT. HIGHWAY CRASH SCENE - DAY
The HIGHWAY WRECKAGE CREW have been working for hours, but are only now removing the WIFE's body from the wreckage. MULDER and SCULLY arrive in a rented car, exit, and walk to the crushed sedan. As they witness the removal of the body, Detective MATTHEWS approaches them.
MATTHEWS (his way of greeting:) Not much left to see. One stalled car, one Mack truck, one body.
Scully examines the body. It is not a pretty sigh t, but something about it puzzles Scully.
Mulder and Scully then survey the area.
SCULLY Are there any remains of the truck driver?
Matthews shakes his head "no", and leads them to the truck.
MATTHEWS Take a look. We did a fifty yard perimeter sweep. No body, no blood, not even a footprint. MULDER I suppose no witnesses, either.
MATTHEWS Now you've been fully briefed, Agent. Excuse me, I've got to make sure all of Mrs. Jacobs makes it in the bag.
Matthews turns to leave when Scully stops him.
SCULLY Did you say Mrs. Jacobs?
MATTHEWS That's right.
He gestures for a PATROLMAN who brings over an evidence bag. Matthews removes a photo ID from a woman's purse inside.
MATTHEWS (Cont'd) Mrs. Ruth Jacobs, 160 West End Avenue. Relatives not reachable, yet.
SCULLY (reaches for purse) Let me see... (she finds a photograph)
MULDER Something?
SCULLY Jesse Jacobs -- (shows him photo of Jesse) that comic from last night. This was his wife. And from the look of her injuries, she was crushed by the dash, not the steering wheel.
MULDER Which means the driver was either thrown from the car... (looks to Matthews who shakes head 'No') Or--
SCULLY We've got another missing motorist.
INT. COMEDY CLUB - MANAGER'S OFFICE - DAY
SCULLY and MULDER are standing in front of LOU (the Manager) and his desk, surrounded by personalized photos of comics young and old. He scratches at his hand -- either a nervous tick or a rash.
LOU He was a funny comic, but a terrible driver. And let me tell you one thing, he was devoted to that shicksa wife of his.
MULDER When was the last time you saw or heard from him?
LOU Last night. He closed the place. Had a talk with a booker from Letterman, took his cut and split.
SCULLY Was his wife with him?
LOU Yeah. Told me they were driving to her folk's place in Ithaca. Poor Ruthy. Let me tell you one thing, he may like the ladies, but he would never have deserted Ruth.
MULDER (hands him a card) Please let us know if he should call or show up.
LOU You and the Post's advertising director.
Scully and Mulder exit.
INT. COMEDY CLUB - BAR - SAME TIME
Agents SCULLY and MULDER walk pass the bar when a scuffle breaks out up front. Two uniformed NYC COPS and Detective MATTHEWS are trying to subdue an enraged JACOBS.
JACOBS What is this, Nazi Germany?! Go back to storm-trooping school, you Nazi scum!!!
MATTHEWS ...you have the right to an attorney. If you can not afford an attorney--
MULDER What's going on?
MATTHEWS I'm reading the suspect his rights, and I can do it a lot faster without your help.
MULDER What's the charge?
MATTHEWS Who are you, his lawyer?
MULDER I'm with the Bureau, Detective. And we can work a lot faster with your help.
MATTHEWS Well, it looks like you can take in some sight-seeing today, Agent. We've got suspect prime, numero uno, right here. And I'm taking the collar.
Matthews starts to haul off Jacobs, with a little help from NY finest.
JACOBS You cretin! Let me go!
MULDER We'll want to question him.
MATTHEWS At the station, Agent.
Matthews turns back to his men who drag out Jacobs, who pleads now to Scully.
JACOBS Help me! Make them stop!!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE COMEDY CLUB - DAY
MULDER and SCULLY exit the Club and enter their car.
INT. CAR
MULDER Matthews is too volatile not to be hiding something.
SCULLY And Jacobs is too shaken to have planned a murder and walked all the way back to Manhattan.
They exchange looks.
MULDER Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SCULLY Matthews is acting like a jealous husband?
MULDER Or maybe he just didn't like his act.
Scully laughs.
MULDER We've got two disappearances, with all the classics of alien abduction. One sudden reappearance, who's also a suspect in the murder of his wife, and who's now presently in custody of someone I'll bet isn't too keen on the paranormal defense.
SCULLY He's not the only one, Mulder.
INT. NYC POLICE PRECINCT - DAY
Detective MATTHEWS is squaring off with MULDER.
MATTHEWS This is how I see it: The comic's getting noticed, starts playing around with the broads, wants to dump the wife, so he dopes her and leaves her sacked out in the middle of the road. There's opportunity, motive, and evidence.
MULDER There's no evidence of foul play, and you haven't even addressed the truck driver's disappearance.
MATTHEWS Jacobs walked into my stake-out, we nabbed him, that's all I need to know. I've heard about you -- Spooky. Your weirdo theories don't play well in my precinct, and they won't play very well in the press, either.
MULDER I don't like to throw my weight around, but you're now off the case. And if you even go near a reporter you're off the force.
Enraged, Matthews throws his ashtray at the wall.
MATTHEWS You slimy, stupid weasel-- !
MULDER What is it, Mathews? You got something personal against Jacobs? Did your wife see him and --
At the mention of his wife, Matthews loses it, and lunges at Mulder. Fortunately, two COPS outside the door hear the ruckus and enter, pulling the two apart. SCULLY now makes her entrance, looking like she's witnessing a Pro-wrestling match.
SCULLY Mulder, what happened?
Mulder has been bloodied, but not badly. Scully glares at Matthews.
MATTHEWS Don't look at me, Agent Scully. You two are on your own now.
He exits in a rush. Scully helps Mulder get up.
MULDER You finished the toxicology? SCULLY Yes. No signs of barbiturates, no prescription drugs. Mrs. Jacobs probably had less than two glasses of wine. Have you spoken with Jacobs yet? MULDER No, we were waiting for you, but Matthews got a little impatient. INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NYC PRECINCT - DAY
JACOBS is still agitated, but now more frightened than angry.
JACOBS I'm telling you I don't remember what happened. One minute I'm driving, the next I'm chewing road weed.
MULDER Did you discover any cuts or scars on yourself?
JACOBS You can't hold me here, you know. (to Scully) The charges have been dropped, haven't they?
SCULLY No charges have been filed, yet, but--
MULDER If you will submit to a simple physical, I guarantee you things will go a lot easier.
Jacobs looks at Scully for advice. She nods her head. Resigned, Jacobs pulls down his shirt collar -- and reveals a triangular-shaped scar on his neck.
JACOBS At first I thought this was some kind of elaborate practical joke -- something Bill and Joe cooked up -- the Letterman booking, the scar -- but when they told me about Ruth...
He is about to cry, but fights back.
SCULLY It's okay, Jesse --
JACOBS It's not okay. Ruth dying is seriously not okay! My missing time is seriously not okay!
MULDER There are some very qualified therapists in the city who can help you.
JACOBS The joke is over, now! It's over!! I'm not seeing a shrink. The stage is my shrink.
SCULLY We're just trying to help.
JACOBS Bring Ruthy back. Then you'd help.
EXT. FOOD VENDOR STANDS - FEDERAL BUILDING - DAY
MULDER purchases a hot dog, SCULLY a falafal. They walk towards the Bureau's office building.
SCULLY Jacobs is suffering from exhaustion, but there are no other scars or scratches on him.
MULDER At least he's alive and on the planet.
SCULLY He probably just got scared and ran out of his car at the last minute.
MULDER The trucking dispatcher said the driver left behind a diary. Apparently, he had previous contacts. And they all happened on that same stretch of road.
SCULLY Driving at night can get very monotonous, very fast, Mulder. The road's been known to hypnotize truck drivers before. It's part of the job.
MULDER Not last night.
SCULLY How can you be sure?
MULDER Because last night was his night off. The dispatcher said he rented the truck for himself. SCULLY What was he doing?
MULDER Broadcasting.
INT. FBI - NY OFFICE - DAY
SCULLY and MULDER enter the office. Mulder picks up a Federal Express package from the desk.
MULDER The driver's name was Fred Reed, but his handle was "Watcher".
He begins opening the package.
MULDER (Cont'd) He'd ride back and forth on 17, talking on the CB, telling his stories to anyone who'd listen.
SCULLY Did many people listen?
Mulder takes out an audiocassette from the package.
MULDER Yes. And most of them don't own CBs. Langly sent me this tape copy of one of Watcher's talks. It was picked up by a local radio/TV tower, somehow, and transmitted on FM, AM and UHF.
SCULLY Any ideas how?
MULDER I'm thinking electromagnetic enhance- ment, possibly combined with a tracking implant. That would also explain the recurring abductions. Scully, I want Jacobs to undergo hypnotic regression.
SCULLY No, Mulder...
MULDER He might be able to remember what happened.
SCULLY With his active imagination it won't prove anything.
As if starting a demonstration, Mulder puts the audiocassette in a tape player and presses "Play". WATCHER'S VOICE emerges crackly:
WATCHER's VOICE ...This is Watcher, good buddies, with an eye on the road and an eye on the sky... Remember to stash your trash, you mother truckers, and don't be transporting any of those toxins. Wouldn't want a spill to hurt Mama Earth...
An OTHERWORLDLY VOICE breaks into Watcher's speech. It is barely audible until Mulder cranks up the volume:
OW VOICE ...methylethylketone...trichlor- ethylene... all toxic chemicals are polluting... earth... your mother mourns... Watcher's Voice now breaks in as the Otherworldly Voice fades out:
WATCHER'S VOICE ...So, clean up your act. And don't diss us contactees. You never know when it could happen to you...
Static interrupts the tape as does an OFFICER who rushes in. Mulder presses "Pause".
OFFICER There's a call for Scully. It's Jacobs.
SCULLY Can he hold on a second?
OFFICER That might be a problem...
CUT TO:
EXT. BUILDING LEDGE - WEST END AVE. - DAY
JACOBS is on the ledge, clinging with one hand to the building, clutching a cell phone with the other. One glance down reveals a 15-story drop.
JACOBS (on cell phone) Dana... Dana?!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - DAY
On the dashboard spins a flashing red light. MULDER drives as SCULLY speaks on a cell phone. SCULLY Jesse, stay on the phone. We're on the way.
MULDER It must be your maternal instinct that attracts him.
Scully reproaches him with a sour look. EXT. BUILDING LEDGE - WEST END AVE. - DAY
JACOBS Dana... I can't get away from it... Dana, make it stop...!
Petrified, Jacobs turns to look behind him:
INT. JACOBS' APARTMENT - SAME TIME
We move inside, past the small table covered with half-opened Chinese food containers. Stationed right beside the only door to the apartment is the TV. On it, through the static, are IMAGES of environmental catastrophes: oil spills, firestorms, earthquakes, toxic explosions... Superimposed on these images, almost subliminally, is one word: "A W A K E".
ACT TWO:
INT. JACOBS' APARTMENT - DAY
The door bursts open, MULDER and SCULLY rush in. Scully moves over to the window.
SCULLY Jesse... Jesse... ?!
Mulder sees the TV and approaches it cautiously.
EXT. BUILDING LEDGE - WEST END AVE. - SAME TIME
JACOBS is still clutching the side of the building. SCULLY leans out of the window, extends her hand.
SCULLY It's okay, Jesse. Just grab my hand...
JACOBS Is it off? Turn it off!!!
SCULLY Grab my hand, Jesse. It's okay.
JACOBS turns to look inside the apartment -- and sees the TV still on, the images repeating even more rapidly.
JACOBS No...!!
He loses his balance, and almost slips off the ledge.
SCULLY Hold on! (turns to Mulder) Shut it off, Mulder!
INT. JACOBS' APARTMENT - SAME TIME
MULDER doesn't want to turn it off. He is so close to the TV his hair is standing on end.
S CULLY Mulder!!
Mulder tries changing the channel, but it is on all the stations. Reluctantly he pushes the power button -- but the TV remains on. He reaches behind the set and yanks the power cord. Sparks fly, but the TV still stays on.
JACOBS (off) Dana!!!
Mulder throws a blanket from the couch over the TV. The set bursts into flames, the blanket starts to catch fire. MULDER removes his jacket and starts putting out the flames with it.
EXT. BUILDING LEDGE
JACOBS slips, but SCULLY grabs his arm in time. He is now hanging fifteen flights by her strength alone. She struggles to pull him inside -- and almost falls out the window -- when Mulder assists her just in time. They both pull Jacobs inside.
INT. JACOBS' APARTMENT
MULDER and SCULLY seat a shaken JACOBS on the couch. While Scully comforts him, Mulder attends to the smoldering TV, making sure the fire is completely out. Jacobs contemplates the damage.
JACOBS Hey Mulder, you want to buy a used TV?
Mulder is not amused.
SCULLY How long were you out there, Jesse?
JACOBS (points to TV) Since that thing started talking to me. I don't know... in the middle of Oprah. Sometime after four.
Mulder shakes out the soot from his jacket, turns to Jacobs.
MULDER Can you sit still for one minute?
JACOBS (suspicious) You're not leaving me here, are you? MULDER We'll be right outside the door.
Mulder gestures to Scully who follows him into the hall.
INT. HALLWAY - OUTSIDE JACOBS' APT. - DAY
MULDER I'm going to that TV station to check out their transmission frequencies. In the meanwhile I'd like you to give Jacobs a CAT SCAN. See if you can register an implant and then remove it.
SCULLY You're not serious, Mulder.
MULDER Something is happening to Jacobs to make him a receptor of unknown transmissions. Him and the truck driver. The implant may hold the key.
SCULLY Those signals could originate from any of the dozens of towers, micro- waves, or satellites bombarding this area. You don't need an implant to receive them, Mulder. Just a defective TV.
MULDER Whatever it is, we can't leave Jacobs alone again. Keep him under observation, then get out to the Earth Mothers in Downsville. SCULLY The Earth Mothers?
MULDER They're an environmental group the truck driver was associated with. (hands her papers) Here's their background. I'll take the rental car -- (a touch of a smile) it's got a CB.
He exits briskly. Just as he disappears down the hall, MATTHEWS appears from the other end, and, like a stalker, follows Scully unnoticed back inside the apartment.
INT. JACOBS' APARTMENT
SCULLY sits next to JACOBS on the couch. He has become softer and, in an odd way, compassionate. JACOBS I'm sorry to put you through this. I really am. I just didn't know who to call, what to do--
Scully pats his hand. Jacobs reaches out and hugs her, burying his sobs in her chest.
SCULLY Shhh...shhh...
MATTHEWS makes his appearance known with a flash from his camera.
MATTHEWS Doing a little baby-sitting, Agent Scully?
Scully turns with a start.
SCULLY Detective Matthews... I thought you were off the case.
Matthews roams the apartment, possessing things with his eyes: the TV, the table, Jacobs and Scully.
MATTHEWS Just keeping an eye on the imparti- ality of our Federal Compatriots. That's why I'm letting your supervisor -- Skinner, isn't it? -- in on your little love tryst.
Scully is indignant.
MATTHEWS (Cont'd) I hear he's a photography buff. (smiles) It's getting cold in D.C., Scully. Bring a sweater.
He exits, chuckling.
EXT. RADIO/TV TOWER - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT
INT. RADIO/TV CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
MULDER stands behind two technicians: CARL, who jots notes on a clipboard as he watches the meters on several dozen audio and videotape machines; and TONY, who solders wires on a nearby bench.
CARL The station is fully automated. They only bring us in if something breaks down or blows up.
TONY Or screws up.
MULDER Like that broadcast from today?
TONY Fried six boards. Never seen so much smoke.
CARL We still don't know what it was. Management was crawling all over this place half-an-hour ago.
MULDER Are you capable of receiving satellite transmissions?
CARL Of course. But nothing comes in unless it's routed through the Switch.
MULDER Would you please show me the Switch?
Carl leads him over to an electronic routing machine.
CARL We can take in a signal from any satellite or cable feed in the northern hemisphere. But you gotta punch the right buttons, first.
MULDER Are these fiber optic or dish?
CARL Both. We've got some dedicated underground lines and a small dish up on the roof. TONY All they ever play here are Lassie re-runs. The rest is radio talk shows -- boooring!
CARL The video band is only UHF. There's some talk about compressing 500 interactive channels through them, but this company is so cheap, that'll never happen.
MULDER I'd like to see the fiber optic lines and the dish, if you don't mind.
CARL Come along, then. INT. RADIO/TV BASEMENT - NIGHT
MULDER follows CARL through the snaking cables that run along the basement walls and floor. They stop when they reach the back wall.
CARL End of the line. From here on it's Baby Bell's property.
Mulder notices a black-green substance seeping through the floor. He bends down and, with a piece of cardboard torn from his notepad, scrapes some up.
CARL What the hell is that stuff?
MULDER I don't know -- yet.
From his pocket Mulder takes a small tin and empties out its contents: sunflower seeds. He places the mysterious substance inside when the lights suddenly flicker on and off.
CARL Damn it! Not again!
A RUMBLE shakes the ground, buffeting Carl and Mulder against the walls. Debris falls from the ceiling. Another rumble sends them to the ground. More debris falls as they shamble back upstairs.
INT. RADIO/TV CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
TONY is at the control panels, frantically pushing buttons. With the lights still flickering, MULDER and CARL enter. On the monitors they see the images of global destruction that appeared on Jacobs' TV -- and again with the word: "A W A K E".
MULDER Can you cut the fiber lines?
CARL Yes, but--
MULDER Do it!
CARL rushes to a power switch and pulls the handle -- but the images still flash on the monitors.
MULDER The satellite dish. Turn it off!
CARL I can't.
TONY It gets dedicated power from a generator on the roof.
Mulder grabs Tony by the shoulder and they scramble out, leaving behind a spooked Carl.
EXT. RADIO/TV STATION - ROOF - NIGHT
The roof is illuminated by a single source of light -- the satellite dish -- that is glowing like a beacon. MULDER and TONY make their way to it, when a beam of light shoots out from it, hitting them with the force of a gale storm. Tony has been knocked unconscious, but Mulder struggles to regain his blurry vision.
In a sequence that is not a POV, not Virtual Reality, but more like a flash-forward, Mulder is enfolded in the images of cataclysmic destruction; and finds himself fighting firestorms... running from earth-quakes... drowning in toxic waste. The gloom and chaos threatens to destroy him, when a celestial light, high above the inferno, guides him towards salvation: his eight-year old sister, SAMANTHA, with a beatific smile, and one word both embedded in and glowing from her: "L O V E".
HIGH ANGLE: Mulder lying still on the roof, the satellite's glow starts to fade, and above it all, the massive hull of saucer-shaped space craft.
ACT THREE:
INT. BACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
SCULLY drives with a determined but worried look as they speed out of the Lincoln Tunnel and onto the highway.
SCULLY As long as I'm being investigated, I might as well go for a full suspension. In the passenger seat, JACOBS lends a sympathetic ear, but it is obvious that he is caught up in the chase.
JACOBS Jeanine is Matthew's wife. We had a little fling. She hired me to do a benefit in the Catskills for this environmental group. I don't usually play the Borsch Belt, but it's for a good cause. SCULLY The Earth Mothers.
JACOBS Yeah. They want to stop the transport of toxins through the State, but they got a little weird on me. I guess they didn't like my alien jokes...
He abruptly turns sullen; the oncoming headlights play across his face rhythmically. Not wanting to nurse him while she drives, Scully redirects his attention.
SCULLY Did Mrs. Matthews ever tell you about any "midnight runs"?
JACOBS (drifting) Huh?
SCULLY Truckers secretly moving toxins across the State?
Jacobs appears hypnotized by the headlights.
JACOBS Wha...?
SCULLY Jacobs!
Jacobs eyes turn distant; there is fear, but also wonder behind his gaze.
JACOBS That light --
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. FIELD BY HIGHWAY - NIGHT
An intense white light shines on JACOBS, who appears sedated as he floats above the field, higher and higher, until he is shrouded by the light...
INT. ALIEN SPACE CRAFT - "CORRIDOR"
JACOBS is being led by two small BEINGS through the craft when he awakens from his languor; and starts to panic. Flailing his arms wildly he lashes out at the Beings who disperse...
INT. ALIEN SPACE CRAFT - "EXAMINATION ROOM"
JACOBS is overcome by another broad white beam of light; his face contorts in fear, until he sees, emanating from the light source, the contours of a WOMAN'S FACE. It is ethereal and loving, and it envelops Jacobs who eventually succumbs to the rapture...
CUT TO:
INT. BACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
JACOBS wakes up, galvanized.
JACOBS ...that blinding white light -- It wasn't the high-beam from an alien space craft... I was suffused with a transcendental light of eternal peace and unconditional love, unlike anything I ever felt before... And you know what, Scully, it scares the crap out of me, 'cause I can't get back on that stage and make a single joke to save my soul. Ha! Now that's funny!
EXT. DOWNSVILLE CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
SCULLY drives the car into the lot behind this grey cement building and parks. She and JACOBS walk towards a small red service door.
SCULLY Now Jacobs, let me do the talking. And please don't say anything about the last few days.
JACOBS Don't worry. Like I really want to be tagged and branded with the rest of these true believers. And why'd you stop calling me Jesse? Hasn't our time together meant anything to you?
Scully is about to issue another warning when the red service door swings open and out hops an ebullient checker-suited middle-aged man -- TRIP FALCON.
FALCON Jesse! What a pleasant surprise!
JACOBS Hello, Trip. How's the traveling maid service?
FALCON Super, super. (suddenly serious) I'm terribly sorry about Ruth.
Jacobs only nods. Falcon turns to Scully.
SCULLY Mr. Falcon, I'm Federal Agent Dana Scully.
Falcon shakes her hand, although it wasn't offered.
FALCON Welcome aboard, Agent Scully! Come on in and meet the Mothers.
As Scully opens her mouth to speak Falcon is already sprinting back to the red door. Jacobs gives Scully a "What can you do?" look, and they both follow him.
INT. OFFICE - DOWNSVILLE CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
FALCON enters and looks over a selection of posters with a twenty-something ASSISTANT. The slogans read: "RECYCLE OR DIE", "DON'T SPILL ON ME", and "YOUR MOTHER MOURNS." SCULLY precedes JACOBS into the room.
SCULLY I don't want to keep you too long, Mr. Falcon, but I'd like to ask you a few questions.
FALCON Sure, sure.
He waves away his Assistant, and gives his attention to Scully, who in turn, signals Jacobs away with one precise eyebrow movement.
JACOBS Excuse me, I think I hear my mother calling.
He exits.
SCULLY (to Falcon) You have a lot of truckers in your organization.
FALCON Oh, we're pretty diverse. Some hard-working people trying to get the good message out.
SCULLY Like the Watcher?
Falcon starts scratching at a red rash on his neck, Scully takes notice.
FALCON Yes. Fred was a special person -- As you may know, "Others" thought so, too.
SCULLY Were you aware of his prior conviction for trespassing?
Falcon shrugs his shoulders.
SCULLY Or his indictment for destruction of private property?
Again, only a shrug from Falcon.
SCULLY (pulls a flyer out of her purse) These were posted at truck stops along Route 17. They mention the Earth Mothers.
The flyer reads: "Dump on 'em!" over a map of hand-drawn "targets". Falcon registers a quick concern.
SCULLY (Cont'd) This flyer is urging truckers to dump toxins at the residencies of corporate CEOs, and other--
FALCON Outrageous! Horrible! But you have to understand, Agent Scully, we can't possibly control anyone who would do something like this.
SCULLY And you certainly wouldn't encourage it.
FALCON Certainly not.
INT. MEETING HALL - DOWNSVILLE CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
JACOBS standing on a table in front of a GROUP of about twenty VOLUNTEERS.
JACOBS ... you know, I never before felt the need to believe. But things change, we grow up. I'm growing up so fast, my mind needs a teething ring...
Very little reaction from his audience, save for a couple of weak, polite smiles. SCULLY and FALCON now enter the hall.
JACOBS (breaks out in flop sweat) ...when your consciousness expands your priorities change. You start seeing the vast interconnected web of life of which we are all a part. The aliens have taught me this. (gives up, gets off the table) They love us, have compassion for us, and are trying to save us... (to himself) Too bad they can't save my act.
The Volunteers disperse like mourners at a wake. Jacobs shuffles morosely to Scully.
JACOBS They're re-writing my material, Dana. They want me to perform their message during Letterman. The problem is, it ain't funny.
From the back of the hall there is a commotion. The Volunteers have formed an excited, swarming circle around a visitor -- it is WATCHER, the prodigal truck driver. The crowd is so intent on his visit, that no one, except for Scully and Jacobs, notices the next visitor -- a slightly frayed, but resolved, MULDER. Scully meets him, they move to a corner, and speak confidentially.
SCULLY Mulder, what happened?
MULDER Watcher was discovered lying in a field not half a mile from the TV station. But while I was at the station, there was another message transmission -- and this one had my name on it.
SCULLY Mulder...?
MULDER We shut down the station when it started, but like Jacobs TV and Watcher, I was being channeled by an unremitting extraterrestrial signal. That's when I had my alien encounter.
Scully takes this in for a beat.
SCULLY How many watts does that station generate?
MULDER More than fifty thousand. Why?
SCULLY Massive electromagnetic fields can stimulate the temporal lobe, causing hallucinatory activity in the hippo- campus and amygdala. These waking dreams often resemble close encounter scenarios, Mulder. Like yours. MULDER We can debate it later, Scully. Right now it doesn't matter. I'll need your analysis on something more earthly.
He turns, signals to Watcher who disengages himself from the Volunteers, and leads the truck driver and Scully out of the hall.
INT. TRUCK DRIVER'S CAB - NIGHT
WATCHER, MULDER and SCULLY are seated in the cab. Scully is examining the black-green substance Mulder retrieved from the TV station.
SCULLY (concerned) How long have you been carrying this?
MULDER What is it, Scully?
Scully looks at Mulder's hands. He is scratching at them.
CLOSE ON his hands -- a red rash.
Scully opens a plastic bottle, dabs a wad of cotton with it, and begins disinfecting Mulder's rash.
SCULLY Trichloroethylene. A highly toxic solvent. Keep the swab on. (realization) Your rash -- Falcon has the same one. And that manager at the comedy club. WATCHER Kent Chemical ships that stuff on midnight runs. The word was there's a hunk of change available for dumping it at the Downsville TV station.
SCULLY Why would someone want to dump it there?
Watcher shrugs.
MULDER (to Watcher) Who do truckers contact for these midnight runs?
WATCHER Well, they wouldn't talk to me, but I kinda know where to find 'em.
MULDER Far from here?
WATCHER About two miles down the road there's a storage facility behind Kent Chemical. That's the contact point.
MULDER Thanks. Now go back to your family.
Mulder and Scully exit the cab as Watcher starts the engine.
WATCHER You be careful.
EXT. DOWNSVILLE CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
MULDER and SCULLY rush across the parking lot.
INT. MEETING HALL - DOWNSVILLE CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
SCULLY and MULDER run into the now-empty hall, then into Falcon's office.
INT. OFFICE - DOWNSVILLE CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT The solitary ASSISTANT turns when they enter.
ASSISTANT If you're looking for Trip, you just missed him.
SCULLY Where's Jacobs?
ASSISTANT (shrugs) I don't think anyone noticed him. INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
They are driving fast and furious, without siren or flashing light.
EXT. ROAD BEHIND STORAGE AREA - KENT CHEMICAL - NIGHT
The sedan's headlights are shut off as it enters this unpaved secluded road. INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
A tense moment as MULDER and SCULLY quietly observe the facility ahead. Behind them, from the back seat, a hand slowly raises up and onto Scully's shoulder. She turns with a start. Mulder pulls his gun -- straight into the face of JACOBS.
SCULLY Jacobs-- !
JACOBS Don't shoot!
MULDER What are you doing there?!
Jacobs presses his hand on his heart, like it's about to burst from his chest.
JACOBS Jeez-- I got tired of waiting for you, Scully. I just fell asleep. What do you think I was doing, counting road signs?
Mulder raises his hand to silence Jacobs as the sound of a truck approaches.
EXT. STORAGE AREA - KENT CHEMICAL - NIGHT
A truck backs into the area. A MAN with a flannel cap opens the wire gate, as the TRUCKER gets out from his cab and meets him. Together they begin hauling a large metal drum into the back of the truck.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
MULDER and SCULLY, their guns already drawn, start to exit the car.
MULDER (to Jacobs) Get back down, and stay down!
As JACOBS lowers himself onto the back seat again a GUNSHOT rings out. Mulder and Scully duck behind the open car doors.
EXT. STORAGE AREA - KENT CHEMICAL - NIGHT
Hearing the shot, the MAN and the TRUCKER hastily finish loading the drum onto the truck.
EXT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
Another GUN SHOT -- MULDER and SCULLY turn around -- many more SHOTS, and the rear window of the car shatters into pieces.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
The glass cascades all over JACOBS who attempts to cover himself. MULDER and SCULLY get back inside. As Mulder starts the engine, bright lights shine behind them.
EXT. ROAD BEHIND STORAGE AREA - KENT CHEMICAL - NIGHT
An unmarked car, its headlights on and its license plates blacked out, advances.
EXT. STORAGE AREA - KENT CHEMICAL - NIGHT
The trucker has started the engine and is pulling away from the gate. INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
Behind them more SHOTS are fired from the advancing car. MULDER guns the engine and they take off after the truck. JACOBS tries to raise his head.
JACOBS What the --?!
SCULLY Keep down!
He ducks back down as SCULLY returns fire through the open rear window.
EXT. ROAD BEHIND STORAGE AREA - KENT CHEMICAL - NIGHT
The truck tears up dust as it pulls onto the highway. The black FBI sedan follows, picking up speed, still being pursued by the advancing car.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
SHOTS are lobbied -- MULDER swerves the car.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The FBI sedan fishtails onto the highway. The advancing car follows closely, then spins out of control as it misses the turn -- and crashes through the guard rail and plummets into a ditch.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
Reaction from SCULLY and MULDER as they see the car's occupants -
INT. CAR - NIGHT
FALCON and LOU - both knocked unconscious.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The FBI sedan still pursues the truck and speeds up trying to pass. The truck beers against them, scraping the front grill.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
MULDER struggles to keep the car from being pushed off the road.
POV OF REAR OF TRUCK The impact causes the rear doors to swing open - the steel drum totters dangerously close.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
SCULLY Mulder, watch out!
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The truck makes a tight turn, and the drum falls out. The sedan swerves.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
The drum hits the windshield.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The drum bounces off the car and onto the highway.
INT. BLACK FBI SEDAN - NIGHT
MULDER slams on the brakes.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The drum bursts open, and a black-green substance flows out - over the road and under the sedan. MULDER and SCULLY rush out of the car, pulling JACOBS with them - seconds later the substance ignites and bursts into flames, enshrouding the car in the conflagration - in the background is a tall transmitting tower.
Scully, Mulder and Jacobs watch as the fire light flickers on their faces.
MULDER (VO) The threat of global ecological destruction is evoking a new consciousness that may yet help our species survive. Behind this consciousness could be a helping intelligence, broadcasting its message like an evolutionary smoke alarm. This collective intelligence, this Mind at Large, I believe, is capable of interacting with matter. What we have witnessed on our radios and TVs might be a prime time warning sent through our new collective unconscious - the electronic media.
EPILOGUE:
INT. TV STUDIO AUDIENCE - NIGHT
SCULLY and MULDER are seated in the audience of the Letterman Show. As they laugh and smile, we hear Scully's report:
SCULLY (VO) ...Because the owners of the TV station had refused to sell to Kent Chenical, a plan was devised to dump toxic waste on its property. The purpose was to lower its value, buy the station cheap, then convert its UHF band for interactive TV. Trip Falcon had eluded capture, but his business associate, Lou Hochberg, was indicted for criminal conduct - his debts to his landlord, Kent Management (a division of Kent Chemical) remain unpaid...
INT. ON STAGE
JACOBS is performing his monologue:
JACOBS ...we've been left on this planet, unattended, for thousands of years. That's like letting Kent Chemical build a wildlife preserve. We're like bullies in a schoolyard, beatingup the weaker kids. When our ET friends return, they'll say: "Okay,you - go stand in the corner of that toxic waste dump and breed by yourself." 'Cause extinction is just another word for nothing left to pollute! I say, let our ET friends help. It's better than trusting the Government. For years the FBI, CIA, National Security Agency, and the Air Force have been there at every UFO crash. And they don't admit a thing! Now I believe in our outer space visitors. After all, if the government denies something, it has to be true!
CUT TO AUDIENCE: laughter and applause. SCULLY and MULDER also applaud, with a few bandages on their hands.
INT. BACKSTAGE - GREEN ROOM
SCULLY and MULDER visit with JACOBS.
JACOBS I was worried they would overpower me and make me their spokesman, make me preach their message.
MULDER How do you know they didn't?
JACOBS There's something I'm still curious about, Mulder.
MULDER Yeah?
JACOBS (serious) Why are they breeding with us? Who would want our genes?
MULDER Maybe they need some human traits to survive. And what can be more human than humor? (a small smile) It's practically the same word.
JACOBS Mulder -- Can I ask you for just one favor?
Mulder nods.
JACOBS Don't quit your day job.
THE END.
NOTE:
This script was retrieved from a partially corrupted floppy disc, and had a short section missing at the part of Mulder's last Voice Over.
To the best of my recollection, it had to do with the TV Station's involvement in the chemical dumping. But re-reading it now, I prefer the added mystery.
--Joe Tripician, July 22, 2008
Postscript: I finally found the complete original script, and have restored the missing sections from the last act and Epilogue.
Hope you enjoyed it.
November 25, 2008
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